2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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