He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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