If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You have to summon your inner elephant
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
