nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
that is very illegal...i love you.
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