I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
