I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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