I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
