mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
