I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
