R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
