She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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