I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
