I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
