I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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