I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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