I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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