best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
