my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
