I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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