just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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