well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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