She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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