that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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