the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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