to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
