Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
