but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
