im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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