Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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