i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
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Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy