So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
