OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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