if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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