He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
