I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.