you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize