wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
