Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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