I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
