We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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