His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
