Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
