You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
