she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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