Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
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I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there