Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.