First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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