to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
