dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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