Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
