I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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