i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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