Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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