Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
