if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
