I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
