Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
