ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
