I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
and you fell through a lawn chair
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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