Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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